Tales of the Parodyverse

And now a story co-written by Nats and Balefire! At a readable size!


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Balefire
Sun Jun 01, 2003 at 11:29:30 pm EST


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And now a story co-written by Nats and Balefire!

Balefire
Sun Jun 01, 2003 at 11:26:12 pm EST
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And now a story co-written by Nats and Balefire!

Phil, France, and the End of All Things!


Balefire sat upon his massive throne in his large technological castle in the rolling hills of Romania. He drank tea. "By golly George this is good tea"

"That's grease from your new jet," the Birthday Bandit corrected him.

"Damn, I knew it didn't taste like peach," commented Balefire, taking an swig. "On the other hand it is much better than the tea usually is." Balefire put the tea down and pressed a button underneath the armchair of his throne, which opened the ceiling above him, revealing the night sky.

"You may be wondering why I have gathered you all hear," Balefire commented to his yet-nameless team of kinda super-villains. "In fact, I'm wondering it myself," he continued. "Why did I gather you all here?"

"Could it have something to do with the giant transdimensional portal materializing above us?" asked the Florist.

Balefire narrowed his eyes. "Hmm," he said. "Oh, that reminds me. Turbo Treesloth! Go buy me extra stock in French condominiums."

"I thought you had already had a warehouse of little European condoms?" mentioned Turbo Treesloth quite dumbfounded.

"No, you idiot!" the megalomaniacal super-villain snapped. "Besides, those aren't for me, those are for a...friend. I mean condo's. Those expensive apartments..."

"Oh, those...," said Turbo Treesloth, " wait, why do you need them? So that you can use the con-"

Balefire pulled out a gun and fired it at Turbo Treesloth. It was a taser-gun, which sent quite a few volts through the rocket-pack-wearing sloth, incapacitating him. "Florist!" Balefire commanded. "Go buy me extra stock in French condominiums!"

"Wait wouldn't this be Jean Pierre's area of expertise?" the Florist interposed.

"Oh, right," Balefire nodded. "I forgot about him. But I only see Quake, Grrl, Florist, Birthday Bandit, and Turbo Treesloth here. Where did Jean-Pierre go?"


"I just got back from the convenience store!" shouted Jean-Pierre running into the room with box under his arm.

Balefire sighed. "Those...those aren't..."

"Yep! Zey are ze condoms you ordered!" the evil Frenchman smiled.

"What are you all complete idiots?" Balefire asked.

The would-be supervillians glanced around the table and began nodding. "Yeah, most of us probably are," Grrl replied, "but I think some of us aren't. Like me, maybe Quake."

"What do you mean, maybe?" Quake bellowed.

"...and I haven't seen Jack Knife around in ages," Balefire added. "Where has he been?"

Quake shrugged. "Why's everyone looking at me? He was just my partner; it's not like we were Siegfried and Roy."

"But didn't you do that Vegas show a couple of years back?" added Birthday Bandit. "And what's with the interdimensional portal?"

"There was never any Vegas show! That's a vicious rumor started by an Improbability Cowboy!" Quake yelled.

"Ahh, yes, the interdimensional portal," Balefire remembered. "It is the key to my latest plan to conquer the globe."

"Although if things work out it won't really be a globe will it?" asked Grrl.

"No it won't, wait, how did you know that?" wondered Balefire "I didn't know you had telepathy."

"Hey, how come she gets telepathy?" Birthday Bandit mumbled. "I wanted telepathy. But no, I can only steal powers when it's on someone's birthday. Say, Grrl, is it your birthday?"

"No."

Turbo Treesloth spasmed.

"But anyway I don't have telepathy. It's written on this paper," she said holding up a piece of paper.

"Hey that's my speech! How did you get that?" yelled Balefire. Balefire began reading the paper. "It's all here, the bit with the condoms, the entire conversation? How?"

"Don't you remember boss?" asked Turbo Treesloth, waking up. "You handed out the scripts before the meeting."

"Oh, that's right," the Romanian supergenius recalled. "Let's see...okay, we're past the banter part. Moving on to the big revelation of my master plan…"

"Zis vill be good, no?" Jean-Pierre said.

"You can drop the stupid accent," Florist told him. "It's lame."

"What? Zis is 'ow I talk!" Jean-Pierre insisted.

"Well Balefire doesn’t talk with a Romanian accent!" complained the Florist. "Anyway what does a Romanian accent sound like?"

"I'll get back to you on that," Balefire said. "Besides, I was educated in America. That's where I got my powers, you know. Anyway, on to the plan." He motioned to the interdimensional thingy.

"But what are ve going to do v'is ze condoms?" insisted Jean-Pierre.

"Get off the damn condoms!" and irate Balefire announced. "Now the entire plan is very simple…"

"I vasn't on zem to begin weeth," Jean-Pierre said. "But if you vant I suppose I could put them o--"

Balefire interrupted him. "What we have here is your simple run of the mill bum," he said of the man appearing in the interdimensional thingamajig.

"But he's actually is more than that. Show them Phil!" announced Balefire.

Everyone sat and waited...,
and continued to wait...,
and then waited some more.

"But what does he do?" whined Turbo Treesloth.

"Umm... what? You didn't... notice what he... well, did?" fumbled Balefire when it became fairly obvious Phil wasn't doing anything.

"No."

"Well I assure you he did something. You see Phil here has retcon powers. Whatever he did must have been so mind-bogglingly complex that your simple minds didn't catch it."

"Nope I'm pretty sure he didn't do anything," said Turbo Treesloth.

"Yeah, I didn't notice anything either," Jack Knife added.

"Exactly!" stated Quake. "Wait a minute...coulda sworn...ahh, must've been nothing."

"So how did Phil here get these powers?" Grrl asked.

"It's all very simple," began Balefire, "and to sum it all up, I have no idea."

A series of "Huh"s, "What"s, and "Wait a minute"s followed.

"And for that matter I don't care," Balefire said, interrupting his minorly confused maniacle miscreants.

Balefire continued. "In fact, I think I had something to do with it, but a retconic ripple effect might've changed all that by now. The only thing that matters is, Phil is my key to victory. You see...he's going to help me destroy the universe! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The laughter continued.

"...oh, and you did make sure to get that French stock, right?" he concluded.

"Yes, boss," Florist said.

"Good....

...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"



To be continued.





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